If you’re an ambitious woman, you already have what it takes to be successful (and you probably know it, too). But there are some unique challenges that stubbornly persist in many of us— and those include tackling the challenge that is people-pleasing. It can be overt, it can be subtle, and it can pop up even if you’ve been setting boundaries for years. If you’ve ever wondered: “How can I be a genuine, altruistic force for good without sacrificing myself in the process?”, then this guide will help you learn how to help others from a place of authentic kindness— without abandoning yourself.
Understanding People Pleasing in the Modern World
So, the reason you’re a people-pleaser? It’s because, at one time, it was a coping skill necessary for your wellbeing. All “negative” behaviors developed for one reason: ultimately, they’re there to try (emphasis on the “try”) to protect you. But good news— you don’t need that outdated protective habit anymore! It served its purpose, but there are more healthy ways to protect your energy.
That’s easier said than done. You still feel stuck in a loop, obligated to help others at the expense of yourself and your best interests. In the professional world, you might have been expected to be a caretaker, or a selfless machine, or a “team player” for a team that wouldn’t go to bat for you. It’s very common for women especially to help others out of obligation, or to maintain a certain image or standard for yourself. You might not even realize you’re doing it. There’s a way to accomplish these things in a sustainable way.
Recognizing Hidden People-Pleasing Behaviors
So what are some signs of people pleasing, especially in women?
Agreeing to things you don't have time for
Softening your boundaries to avoid conflict
Resentment when helping someone
Worrying about being liked
Camouflaging your opinions
This could look like being afraid to take time off when you’re sick, or finding yourself constantly saying “I’ll squeeze it in somewhere”. It could look like picking up the slack without being recognized or compensated for your efforts. It could look like agreeing to help someone after you’ve already said or insinuated “no”. It may even look like trying to help someone even after they’ve said “no” to you. It could look like over-explaining yourself or over-apologizing; feeling like you need to be a chameleon in all scenarios, afraid to disagree with the people around you. It might look like helping someone who’s draining you.
Steps to Be Altruistic Without Burnout
Setting boundaries is an adjustment. Especially when all you want is for the people around you to be happy. So let’s say you’re setting those healthy boundaries for yourself. After you get used to saying no, you’ll find more time to say yes to the right things at the right times. After all, we evolved to be social creatures, and that’s why humanity has thrived. Altruism is literally built into our DNA. But too often we forget that fact in the drive to be independent. So, what should we remember about helping others?
First of all, doing things out of kindness is different from doing things out of fear of being disliked. That doesn’t make you feel good, and honestly, it doesn’t make other people feel good either, because people are perceptive– if they feel like an obligation, were you really altruistic?
Second, it can be nice to surprise someone with help, but not always. Be willing to ask someone what they need, don’t assume you know best. There may be factors you didn’t consider at play. Your efforts aren’t any less meaningful if you ask for consent first. It shows consideration. Come with solutions but be flexible.
Kindness doesn’t have to cost anything! But if you have the means and not the time, try paying someone to help. It’s just as genuine and helpful.
Block out time to help people. A good practice is to seek volunteerism through organizations, because they have guidelines and precedents set that will keep you from overextending yourself… and therefore from people pleasing.
In order to help others, they must be willing to accept help. We live in a community, which means that sometimes, it will be your turn to accept help. Understanding how that feels will make you a better communicator and better able to serve others.
Finally, don’t help to the point of burnout. For some people, slow and steady wins the race, and for others, short bursts are more realistic. Find your personal style and roll with it. And adjust over time if one style no longer works for you.
Building Boundaries with Kindness
It’s important to set energy, time, and emotional limits. It will take some time to learn where your personal limits are. When you’re first setting up your boundaries, you’re probably going to over- or underestimate how much energy you can give. You’ll also experiment with the way you set those limits. It’s like a pendulum that will eventually reach its equilibrium; sometimes you’ll swing too far in one direction, but you’ll eventually settle down. If you’re at this stage, have patience with yourself, be understanding and willing to learn from your experiences.
Here are a few examples on how to set and communicate specific boundaries. Try using “I” statements.
If you have a concrete time limit, express that! “I am unavailable from (blank) o’clock am to (blank) o’clock pm. I would be happy to help you outside of those times.” And don’t be afraid to account for any extra time you may need, even if technically you could squeeze it in. Don’t bend your boundaries.
If you’re overwhelmed without a time limit, try this: “I am currently at capacity, but I’d be happy to revisit this at (blank) later date.”
If someone asks for help with something you don’t do? “I’m afraid that’s not my area of expertise. But I’d be happy to provide (blank) other service.”
It’s not your job to find the inquirer an alternative, either. If doing so isn’t a burden to you, great, why not? But it’s more than likely they’re a resourceful person just like you, and more than capable of finding their own solutions.
If someone makes a request you’re uncomfortable with, feel free to say that. “No, I’m not comfortable with that request.” No need to explain anything else initially. Your words speak for themselves.
If a boss or other person in a higher position pushes you to take on more than you can handle, try this, “I’ll prioritize this. Which project should be reassigned/put on hold so that this gets done?”
And remember: there may be pushback. If someone is used to taking advantage of your kindness, it will be an adjustment period for everyone involved. But staying firm and positive will earn you more respect in the long run.
Finding Joy in Giving Without Obligation
Now that you’re setting boundaries, you’re ready to give back! But how do you find joy in giving without obligation? Identify activities that actually, genuinely give you joy, rather those done from a sense of duty.
Start small. Find causes or groups that you want to magnify and support those, either financially or with your time and skills. Ask yourself: “Who am I? What are my values?” You can support different causes at different times too, if you have multiple passions but limited resources.
Avoid the emotional trap of not feeling enough. Don’t compare your contributions to people that have more resources or time or capacity. Not only are we all different, life has treated us differently. If there’s an area in your life that is preventing you from giving back and doing good, address that area. We’ve all heard the oxygen mask analogy— sometimes we have to help ourselves before helping others. Just because things might be this way now, doesn’t mean they will be forever.
Another scenario is when we really want to help, but the inconvenience hinders us. That could be a sign that you need to step back, but not necessarily. Schedule it in and you’ll be more likely to commit to it. Or, if you can involve a friend, do so! That support will help you help others. If you’re the type of person that feels discouraged without immediate results, maybe get yourself a small treat when you contribute, something to encourage you when making change takes a while. Even when a cause is serious, that doesn’t mean you can’t experience satisfaction or joy, especially in community!
Eventually, you may even want to start a cause of your own. If that’s a long-term goal of yours, don’t rush in without a plan, because that can let you down if you don’t currently have the capacity for it. Practice volunteering for other causes first to get experience and an idea of how to maximize your efforts.
It’s possible to help others without losing oneself in the process! You deserve kindness too. Giving from a place of well-being is more sustainable, which in the end helps everybody, including yourself.
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